so i just got done seeing the proposal. and i really enjoyed it.

and (i'm not afraid to admit it) ever since my now ex boyfriend and i broke up (the phrasing of this sentence sounds so immature), romance movies make me feel sad. i know the way i felt, and something just will never sit right about the way things ended. movies, i suppose, just tell us that people who fall in love will end up happy with each other in the end, through some epiphany or something. like one of them finally realizes what they were missing or something.

that is SO false. if love (or whatever you want to call it) really worked like that... i would have either gotten my happy ending already, or be getting one very soon. and neither of those outcomes seems to be possible.
i hate chick flicks for that. why do producers find it necessary to build girls' hopes up for some kind of romance like that? is it to make money? because if so they're destroying our society in the process. girls wait around for something like that, and, not only is it stupid to just wait, but it sets men up to an unattainable standard. i'm a cynic and i believe that if a guy seems like prince charming, he is too good to be true. that's been my experience every blasted time. you can fall in love with someone and love truly and unconditionally everything about them and then one day they'll just leave. they always do. because when one waits for them, when one will do pretty much anything for them, they take it for granted and don't really care if they lose that or not. girls set themselves up to simply be a plus of a guy's life, and i'm tired of being a part of that.

whoever you are, if there is someone for me to spend my life with (which i do feel like God will give me eventually), i just have to say a couple of things. love, i believe, is like getting into a swimming pool. in the movie superstar, molly shannon's character states that you can ease into the water, or just jump. when you try to ease into love, i think one ends up pulling the other (person, i mean) and water ends up sloshing all over someone, making them uncomfortable. this person usually gives up, and decides to wait a little while before getting back in the water. i don't like easing in, because it always has this effect. i always try to do things by the book. it's lame. i really, deep down, want to jump. i like jumping in regular pools, so why wouldn't i like jumping into a relationship? i end up jumping in anyway, forcing the other person to come with me and just becoming frigid because they're not much of a jumper. they're uncomfortable, and i always make it worse. and i really hope that someday, there will be someone to jump in with me, someone who's just as excited about being immersed in something beautiful and relaxing and indescribable. i guess what i'm saying is something along the lines of: i can't wait til you're ready to jump with me. it will be great, whoever you are, and i guess until you come along i'm going to have to keep jumping in on my own to keep myself occupied. i'm sick of trying to ease in with someone else, and consequently being held back. i just want to jump. there's a whole deep blue sea (er, pool) waiting for me.

i'm crying and i didn't know i had that much to say. hopefully that didn't come out as weirdly as it felt, but i'm all about honesty and to edit would detract from that.