i'm going to write a book.

i have no idea what i want to do with my life, but i'm going to write a book. and i'm going to start soon. i want to be finished with it within the next year, and see if i can have it published by the time i'm out of school. isn't that insane? but i feel like i'm being called to do that. which is even more insane.

more later. i've become entangled in the plots consuming harry potter presently.


just woke up from a terrible nightmare. it is the worst thing to miss someone and have them reappear in your dreams. i felt as if that person was close to me for a few moments, and it made the sting of every broken promise revive itself. and it was a nightmare, and i hate that i wanted to still stand up for this person and save them from certain death, or at least, death in the dream (which obviously isn't death in real life, which i would always save someone from).

i have always wondered weather dreams are supposed to be the opposite of reality, or just a symbolic way of telling you how you really feel about something. bah. i think it would be cool to interpret people's dreams.

just wish it had not been so vivid.


so i worked all day today. i'm really sunburned.
i feel like i can never do anything correctly. i march to the beat of my own drum, and am pretty chill about things a lot of the time, but i do know how to do my job and like to do it honestly. today there was an issue with my pool being over by a dollar. i didn't even think about writing it down, because i honestly just thought i must have gotten an extra dollar when i got change yesterday. i didn't take it, because that would have been stealing, but i forgot about it and when it came time for the closing person to count everything up, i felt really bad when their cash report was wrong. and i should have because i just was stupid and messed it up for them. i did what i could to fix my mistake, but the point is that i made it. i'm so flustered because i try so hard not to make these stupid little common sense errors, but always seem to make them somewhere else. i hate it. i don't know why i do it, but it's really frustrating because i feel that most of my bosses don't think i do a good job as it is. i work extremely hard and i feel like it doesn't show because of my mishaps that i bring upon myself. ugh. so frustrating! i wish i had been given a better pool supervisor last year so i wouldn't be having to break all the bad habits i learned from him this year.
i just don't feel like i fit in here. i never really did. and it's even worse now that i'm back and separated from so many of my friends that love me just the way i am. i wish that i fit in with people from work so that work would be more enjoyable, but i guess i don't and all i can say is that i hope God brings something better along for me next summer.


so i just got done seeing the proposal. and i really enjoyed it.

and (i'm not afraid to admit it) ever since my now ex boyfriend and i broke up (the phrasing of this sentence sounds so immature), romance movies make me feel sad. i know the way i felt, and something just will never sit right about the way things ended. movies, i suppose, just tell us that people who fall in love will end up happy with each other in the end, through some epiphany or something. like one of them finally realizes what they were missing or something.

that is SO false. if love (or whatever you want to call it) really worked like that... i would have either gotten my happy ending already, or be getting one very soon. and neither of those outcomes seems to be possible.
i hate chick flicks for that. why do producers find it necessary to build girls' hopes up for some kind of romance like that? is it to make money? because if so they're destroying our society in the process. girls wait around for something like that, and, not only is it stupid to just wait, but it sets men up to an unattainable standard. i'm a cynic and i believe that if a guy seems like prince charming, he is too good to be true. that's been my experience every blasted time. you can fall in love with someone and love truly and unconditionally everything about them and then one day they'll just leave. they always do. because when one waits for them, when one will do pretty much anything for them, they take it for granted and don't really care if they lose that or not. girls set themselves up to simply be a plus of a guy's life, and i'm tired of being a part of that.

whoever you are, if there is someone for me to spend my life with (which i do feel like God will give me eventually), i just have to say a couple of things. love, i believe, is like getting into a swimming pool. in the movie superstar, molly shannon's character states that you can ease into the water, or just jump. when you try to ease into love, i think one ends up pulling the other (person, i mean) and water ends up sloshing all over someone, making them uncomfortable. this person usually gives up, and decides to wait a little while before getting back in the water. i don't like easing in, because it always has this effect. i always try to do things by the book. it's lame. i really, deep down, want to jump. i like jumping in regular pools, so why wouldn't i like jumping into a relationship? i end up jumping in anyway, forcing the other person to come with me and just becoming frigid because they're not much of a jumper. they're uncomfortable, and i always make it worse. and i really hope that someday, there will be someone to jump in with me, someone who's just as excited about being immersed in something beautiful and relaxing and indescribable. i guess what i'm saying is something along the lines of: i can't wait til you're ready to jump with me. it will be great, whoever you are, and i guess until you come along i'm going to have to keep jumping in on my own to keep myself occupied. i'm sick of trying to ease in with someone else, and consequently being held back. i just want to jump. there's a whole deep blue sea (er, pool) waiting for me.

i'm crying and i didn't know i had that much to say. hopefully that didn't come out as weirdly as it felt, but i'm all about honesty and to edit would detract from that.


so i think i am really moody.

i had a really frustrating day sunday. but i am thinking it might get better, and my summer will be what i choose to make of it.

finished harry potter 2! it was so good and i'm stoked about reading the rest and catching up on what many of my friends really seem to enjoy.

i also got a chance to start sinking my teeth into searching for God knows what this weekend. don really grabbed my attention when he said there was a point where he told God he didn't believe in Him anymore, the santa clause-y version of God, anyway. he talks about really discovering what God actually is and promises, and i really like that because i had an insanely similar experience at one of the lowest points in my life (largely due to the fact that even though we had done the "right things," my family was still not getting out of the hole we were in, much to our dismay) and have been wondering for a long time if that meant i was being blasphemous or not, and no one has really been able to give me an answer. i have believed for a long time that i expected God to give me what i asked just because i was involved in church, and now know that's not how it works, but when i didn't get what i asked for i didn't understand what the heck was going on because i didn't really KNOW God. i think that's a main frustration with my youth group - i was involved but it was such a self-serving involvement that i was never broken down to understand what God was really about. and then when i was turned away financially, it all fell apart and my idea of "God" was no longer there. anyway, it's really a great book, and miller is a great writer.

got back from guard comp practice tonight feeling more refreshed and confident than i thought i would be. i'm really glad i went to texas open last year (red cross) because i don't think i'll freak out as much now.

i am also in disbelief that murano resigned. they better pick a good president this time who actually listens to the students (who are paying the tuition to give them funding to do what they ask, mind you). at the same time, i don't want a president who only gets the job because of political favoritism, either. we'll see.

i am thinking about going a bit redder with my hair. i'm excited. i get paid this week; it will be awesome!

oh. and i have made a summer roadtrip playlist that i am excited about!
1. wheel -john mayer
2. rockin' the suburbs -ben folds
3. a walk through hell -say anything
4. kamera -wilco
5. you belong with me -taylor swift (yes, i do like taylor swift.. she's great)
6. take back the city -snow patrol
7. wonderwall (cover) -ryan adams
8. starlight -muse (wouldn't be complete without a muse song)
9. the fear -lily allen
10. friday i'm in love (cover) -fiction family
11. waking up in vegas -katy perry
12. bubble toes -jack johnson
13. bodysnatchers -radiohead
14. hear you me -jimmy eat world
15. screaming infidelities -dashboard confessional
16. different names for the same thing -death cab for cutie
17. you found me -the fray
18. glass of water -coldplay
19. heaven -angels and airwaves

i love making playlists.

anyway, now i'm going to watch a movie. =)


i HATE it here. the woodlands disgusts me.

all i get to do is go to work and listen to my mom complain about how i'm not going to be able to pay for school next year.
i just got home from actually having a weekend with people who don't try to make me into a different person than i am and maybe we're not all the best of friends, but i forget so often what it's like to have people not judging me and keeping me under constant scrutiny.
my mother, my job (the one that i work 35+ hours a week at, anyway), some of my friends - all of these things are the same. i am never able to escape and just be who i am; there's always something i could be doing better or something i need to change. i don't understand what's wrong with the person that i am here and why people feel like it is so necessary to put pressure on me. i guess that they must be frustrated with their own inadequacies so they feel the need to make others' inadequacies public so that theirs never are address and they appear perfect.
i feel like it wouldn't be so bad if i actually had good friends at work that i could hang out with. it is so hard having the only people you're close to in this place have conflicting schedules. i feel like i'm either always at home or at work, and both of those are pretty much the same thing because being home is just like having another job. i never get a break, and it is so hard to be patient and practice all the things God has taught me this year under these circumstances. i feel like i cuss and am angry or stressed out all the time, and i don't have a close group of christian friends here to consult about it. i don't really like my church here for the reason that all the kids my age left me out of their little group, and even though they probably didn't realize it, they made me feel unwanted and as if i wasn't good enough to be a part of the kingdom of God. the only bible study i really know about here is the one at my church, but i feel that it is all of the same people who wouldn't hang out with me even in high school... so why would they want to now?

i just can't wait to get out of here. i hope i never have to spend my summer here again.

sorry for the sappy post.


so ever since events happened a couple of months ago, i have been feeling less than adequate. i have faith that things are going to work out someday, and that they may or may not be the way i expect. i saw star trek today, and there's a point when captain kirk tells spock to just do what he says even though spock thinks the chances of a good outcome are small. kirk uses the words "just trust me, okay?" or something to that effect. it may sound strange but that's totally where i'm at with God in my life right now. i don't understand what the heck i'm doing or why i'm doing it, or why i'm feeling the things i'm feeling or how i'm ever going to be okay again, but i just have to trust. it's really hard to let go, as i am kind of a control freak, but just like the future of the star trek characters, what is to come is something far greater and mind blowing than i can imagine. we shall see what is to come, and i really hope it does get better.

also, i was so in awe of the universe after that movie. like, WOW i can't even begin to fathom how expansive it is, and how much else is out there. God is so great and magnificent and it's just completely insane to think of how much there is! does anyone else ever think about that? i don't really know, but i think it's so cool and it makes me want to actually try understanding physics so i can go in space.

work is going alright i suppose. i'm really trying to be positive and fun, but still do what is asked of me. it's hard to get that balance and i feel almost like i'm not doing that... but i guess i can't make everyone happy, either.

and i'm reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets! it's good.

plus searching for God knows what is pretty good. where i'm at in the book right now kinda goes along with all this awe and stuff of God.

i can't wait for road trip 1 tomorrow. getting out of the woodlands and actually having stuff to do helps me not to think about worthless stuff, so it'll be a relaxing trip i think.