so i don't really know what God wants for me right now. i mean, i really want to be an intern at a church or work at a camp next summer, but i know that i haven't really been able to get involved with a church in a long time... basically, i feel like my options are few because i don't really have a background in a church (like i don't really know anyone involved with the youth group from my church back home) and i haven't found one i like in college station yet. i'm just getting frustrated because i don't feel like people see the change God has put in place in my life, and i don't think that it's enough to just say it's happened on paper. i really want to serve God, and i feel like i do in my daily actions, but the organizations at A&M that i'm involved in are secular, and i don't know what Christ-rooted organization to get involved with. i didn't really like younglife in high schoool, but i'm kind of thinking i might go that route and give that a shot. we shall definitely see... i know there's a plan, but i want to make sure that it gets executed correctly.

anyway. thought about that kinda stuff today. listening to taylor swift right now, she's great. i'm hungry. work today was alright though, it's good to get back into the swing of things. alas, i am tired. and my phone isn't working. blah.


last night was interesting.
i'm really tired, and have enjoyed a night at home. i made brownies and hung all my pictures and bulletin boards from school in my room, and am now watching the season 5 premiere of jon and kate plus 8 (i've never really watched the show before, but i think it's interesting so far).

i know this is weird, but i was really bored earlier and looking at rings online. in my girliness, i have decided that if i ever enter into marriage (hah), i would like a pearl engagement ring. i want something really pretty, but also timeless and unique. pearls are all different, and i think it would be cool and symbolic of how something great can start from something small. kind of like God's relationship with us - he takes our imperfections and turns them into something beautiful to be used for His glory. i don't know how he does it, but i guess he just does!

anyway, i'll stop talking like a weirdo.
i also had dr. pepper for the first time in quite a while tonight, which was exquisite.
and i have my first real day of lifeguarding tomorrow, so that will be interesting. i really hope it goes well, as i'm trying to do a lot better this summer and want to actually enjoy work.

i thought of something cool to write about today, but i forgot what it was! that is just so like me to forget. blah i'm trying so hard to be good about writing things down so that i remember them, but it just seems like i have complete add in that department. whatever, i'm done writing for now.


okay.
we're going over the basics of my rules for ze blog (mostly to establish them for myself, since i don't really think many people have time to keep up with the inner wonderings that take up my time).
BUT there will be little grammatical capitalization (God will be capitalized, but not i). and this blog is subject to sound semi-hypocritical at times, because i can have such conflicting emotions. i know that i control what i do and say, but sometimes it's hard to put that into non-conflicting words that make sense and are decisive and correct.

side note - i love itunes shuffle. falling down by muse = pure greatness.

so right now i'm waiting on dan dan the stan man to figure out what we're doing tonight.
i need to read my bible, i haven't in two days. i made myself promise to finish the new testament by the end of the summer... that should not be hard. i'd like to start getting into the old testament, because i've never really read my bible before this semester and i'm just realizing that there is just SO MUCH to read and learn and contemplate and pray over. but at the same time i have a hard time making myself read during the day, and when i read before i go to bed i tend to put myself to sleep, honestly. i don't know if that's bad or good; God obviously

BAH why does the luckiest have to come on? suddenly i dislike itunes, as this song makes me cry nearly every time because i hate reliving those memories of being the luckiest because now i feel like they were false. i am emotional. i dislike it.

anyway, God obviously calms me... but i don't feel like i soak it up as much when i do that at the same time. bascially, i feel like i'm unmotivated or lack passion for Christ or something because i read at the end of the day... like God is an afterthought or something, but then i realize that i'm thinking about Him right now, so i don't really know.

we shall see what happens. summer is busy and i don't want life to get in the way of living.

another thing i wanted to elaborate on:
what really frustrates me sometimes about humanity is "i". why do we feel a need to capitalize the word "i"? we are so self seeking that it is even embedded into our language. that's why i refuse to capitalize it when i'm writing freely (that is, not for academic purposes). i have a hard enough time not focusing on myself - and now i have come to such a realization that me me me is embedded in the medium i use to communicate and speak and write and think. language is such a powerful tool.

that's all for now.


we shall discuss details later.

anyway,
today i went to barnes & noble and decided that i need to make a summer reading list:
searching for god knows what -don miller
angels and demons -dan brown
harry potter -j. k. rowling
mere christianity -c.s. lewis
the four loves - c.s. lewis
redeeming love -francine rivers
pride and prejudice -jane austen (i have read about half up to this point, but never gotten the chance to finish)

as you can see, it's a pretty weighty list. however, i'm not really trying to grow academically in this time called summer, so i feel like i need to grow more mentally and mature in my faith (i guess harry potter is kind of contradictory to that, but i never got to read them and i really want to know what's going on when i go see the movie).

i have tons to do today. i'll have to write more later. i've been doing so much thinking lately. =)