so, how long has it been since i last blogged?

exactly nine months. enough time to have a child...
and i think i have had a child of sorts.
cheesy as it may sound, i'm giving birth to great new things in my life, and hopefully will hopefully be used in the future to impact the lives of others.
it's not a new chapter, but everyday is a new day. and i'm working to push myself everyday to give more of myself than i think i can.

i'm trying to figure out how to sum up the past months in a few sentences, but i can't.
i can tell you that i learned almost every sense of the word patience at camp. and i've finally made sense of a lot of things that happened at camp this summer - 9 months is a long time to unpack so much growth.
i've had ups and downs. sickness, health, sadness, joy, rejection, and acceptance. some brought on myself, some brought on by the continual weight of the world.

one thing i have realized is how much i want to set myself up for God to use me in the lives of others. i WANT to pour myself out. i think he has been pruning my metaphorical branches to help me find a place to pour into. so i've decided to take the initiative to start blogging again. i want to pour these experiences out somewhere, and this is really the only place i can think of to do it right now. i am not distracted by organizations, a boy, or anything like that. this is what i have to work with, and this is what i need to use. the written word is powerful, and hopefully my thoughts can help you in some way, or even just make you think.

i've definitely realized that blogging helps me to organize my thoughts. it's great therapy.

anyway, i'm sure more about my experiences will come out later. but please, if you have a second, read my entries. i need feedback to hold me accountable.

enough about me though. let the posts on ideas, happenings, etc begin, again.


week 6 is behind me.

i cannot believe how much has happened just over the course of a week.
this week, i had 6th grade.
they were intense. i loved them, but it's definitely one of those awkward stages where there are some kids that seem mature, and some that are really immature. that was difficult and tiring, as i didn't feel like i could get in the mode to really best serve one age group, you know?

it's not about me though, and i know i need to keep telling myself that and believing in His greater plan.

edit:
so now i'm standing at s.i.'s (shrimply irresistible's) house... this week is day camp.
i got my girls this morning... day camp is only 5 days, which means that 9-3 monday through friday we are with our kids, but after that we are either off (two nights) or doing work crew duties. my girls this week have definitely been an encouragement so far, as they are excited to be here and are just awesome. we won the spirit stick today, no big deal...
anyway,
i wanted to finish discussing the things God has been teaching me since i've been here. i was definitely low on patience, and though God has been providing, i don't know how i'm going to stretch as much patience as i've used in the last week throughout the whole summer.
praying for a great cabin next time i get one... or one that does not make me feel completely worthless as a counselor, because i definitely felt that way. i confess that i read my evals at the end of the week... i didn't know that i wasn't supposed to read them, and then i wished i hadn't. i only read a few, but they were all bad (one girl said i shouldn't even be a counselor). it wasn't that i was concerned that they didn't like me, but i just felt like a counselor can keep them from learning so much if they're not good... so that just made me feel like i failed them.

but it's a new week, and i'm praising the Lord for it. it's only the end of monday, but i already feel like the Lord is using me to serve others, or maybe it's just that i feel that i can be myself and not have to bottle things up.

however, i am frustrated that i think of myself so often. how much better of a place would the world be, filled with the love of Christ so much more, if we all stopped thinking of ourselves all the time? i am so guilty of it.

2 corinthians 12:9 - "but he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."... i'm praying that i will truly be living this out in my life this time that i am at pinecove.

also, i was reading through john 1 today, and i thought it was so interesting how Jesus was born into the world to save us, and show us how to be a light, but yet wasn't received by the world. i think it's very applicable to life today, in that our culture (especially in the states) is so far focused on things opposite of the Bible and of Christianity that i believe people think of Jesus as someone completely different than who He is. He is radical, not self seeking, and we are called to be like him, but this culture we live in twists Him into someone we do not know or recognize when we read the Bible. apologies, this is very much a stream of consciousness, but it's nice to just be able to reflect on the things i've been learning and write them down to share.

in other news, my mom asked if i've met my husband here yet.
it really frustrated me, as that will not likely happen, and that is not the reason i am here. i do not want to be distracted by some silly boy or being frustrated because of the drama typically associated with them.

well enough of that. on to dg templates.
shalom.


people always say that Jesus wouldn't have been conservative.
and i agree.
but he wouldn't have been liberal, either, so i really hate when people use that as ammo against christian conservatives.

i've been thinking about politics a lot lately. i'm in college, and obviously learning a lot about myself and what i believe.
i've also been reading don miller's "blue like jazz," which i read over the course of about a year and a half (his writing style was really hard for me to get used to) and it just didn't do anything for me the first time... so i wanted to read it again and see what i thought about it.
he talks a lot about politics and how conservatives are basically morons to him.
i like don miller, but this frustrates me.

Jesus didn't like politicians, period. the bible doesn't say anything about political affiliation because there were different issues in the days of Jesus's life. i tend to think that Jesus knew how flawed we were, you know, because he was Jesus, the Son of God. because of the failure of adam and eve to obey God's commands, we've had to resort to the use of politics and political systems to keep people in line and from getting hurt. but where do we draw the line?
my answer is this: i think it's up to us to decide... and i think it needs to be done in a prayerfully considered way, but i also think that because we have a political system in the first place, we're screwed up. God didn't intend for things to be that way, so it is up to us to decide what we feel God is telling us to do... and that doesn't mean align with either party. it just means to decide what you're passionate about and stand up for it. i can tell you my reasoning behind things, but that doesn't mean that it is the way God intended it to be, or what Jesus would have done.
it's tough stuff to swallow. being a christian and politically involved just conflict with each other from the get-go. but i know i'm not perfect and i need redemption, and ultimately i think the rest just works itself out. i think what the founding fathers meant by "in God we trust" was just that... they trusted God (whoever they believed Him to be - which i know who that is but i don't know if they did or what...) to be a source of counsel and guidance for citizens... not to be the head of state. i think that even though, ultimately, God's will is done, the fact that we have to have control over us because we disobeyed God means that our political choices ultimately have nothing to do with God; this is not the way God intended it to be.

does this make any sense? i'll leave my personal political beliefs for another time.

shalom.
s-crum.


well life lately is superb.
i should be studying, but i wanted to write an entry instead because my thoughts are buzzing like a million different voices in my head.
but i'm all about honesty and i wanted to say some honest things tonight. i don't know who's listening, or if i'm being all "behind on the times," but i wanted to post these thoughts for the reference of myself and people that will hold me to what i'm saying, i guess.

camp mcgresham is wonderful. they are definitely the camp i prayed for, and the past 6 days have been unreal. i'm so in awe of how well i feel like we already fit together, and it's definitely great to start things off on a positive note. i feel blessed to have even gotten into camp again, let alone a camp that i adore so much.

things i've discovered i need to do this semester:
study every night
not use curse words (i've been slacking on this. it is far too easy for me to fall into this again. if anybody's reading this, please hold me accountable if you catch me on this)
live in the moment - i'm too much of a planner.
not care what everyone thinks so dang much.
SERVE others in any way i can

i'm sure i'll remember more tomorrow morning. i was thinking of this list whilst studying this evening and now that i've gotten home to put it on digital paper i can't remember everything.

anyway. i've been in a period of rediscovery lately. i'm becoming fine with just being me, and i can't decide if that's a good thing or not, because i don't try to be the best i can be lately. i don't think i like that. i hope that God is working through me, but lately i've just felt like i'm setting a bad example. as a christian, i'm supposed to set an example, not be the one messing up all the time... but then i think that it's by grace alone that i have been saved... but i hope that that grace is apparent in my actions, and i have a feeling it's not as much as i want it to be.
sigh, i know this is rambling.

anyway, praying for the right boldness and that i can learn to hold my tongue sometimes. i can be so wise and irrational with my words and actions, so i need to learn to be less impulsive and more purposeful.

and not worry. i need to stop worrying. God's plan is greater than my own.

for spring break, i was going to help a little on my hometown church's mission trip to arlington, but i backed out (unfortunately, but i felt like the following was something i needed to do). i'm going to visit my grandmother in san antonio with my little brother. i hope we're able to bond on this little road trip of ours, and i hope to be able to hear some words of wisdom from my grandmother. if i had half of her faith, i think i'd be in good shape, haha. she is such a woman of the Lord and i hope to be able to spend some great quality time with her, as these moments don't come up too often and i'm sure she's gotten a bit lonely without my paw paw around anymore.

all in all, i'm incredibly blessed. i have friends that i love dearly and family that is a source of constant support (well, not always support, but definitely honest opinions that i value). i may not have a fancy car or funds to get me through the week all the time, but God's provided me with what i need.

music as of late includes: death cab, jimmy eat world, kings of convenience, the killers, eisley, etc. like i said, i'm rediscovering stuff. i need to get my old music library from back home put on my laptop. i feel like i've lost touch with such an important part of my life.

clinging to 1 john right now
"if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

lots of thoughts, but alas, i have a test at 8 am.
shalom and good night.


haven't written in about 6 months, but i've had to start writing in another blog for a communication technology class i'm taking, so i figured i might as well take up blogging again.

i love the winter olympics.
winter olympics > summer olympics
ice skating needs to hurry up and come on!

life's alright lately. i'm frustrated with a few things but i'm letting go of that because i shouldn't be frustrated about anything - God will take care of it all and that is what i need to remind myself.

valentine's day is tomorrow. well, today. i think it's a made up holiday, and i do not approve... but nobody asked me! haha, my parents are coming up to visit me, so i feel loved but at the same time it definitely rubs in the whole single thing, which i find quite ironic.

the "love's embrace" collection commercials from kay jewelers are hilarious. and i can't wait for the wizarding world of harry potter. bahah.

i have a lot of thoughts but i really can't remember any of them right now. this is nearly pointless post.

happy valentine's day...
thankful that nothing i do can make God love me more or less, think about that a little.
romans 5:8

shalom.


roomies are awesome. i can't wait for kacey to get in town. i like being back for the most part.

however, i think that i grew apart from a lot of people this summer. as i come back i feel like i am a burden on a lot of people i want to hang out with, like i've missed out on their lives and they don't want me in them anymore. i am feeling right now that afc gave me a false sense of security... like maybe nobody in afc liked me really, but because of uae and all of that they included me. i don't think i have felt this torn in a long time. i don't want to be an annoyance to people, but i do want to pick up the friendships i thought i had right where we left off. i miss last year so much, and at the same time i feel like so much of it may have been a lie. i'm really frustrated by all of this, and i just want it to get better. i feel like such a narcissist or something, worrying about what everyone thinks of me and all, but i just don't want to burden other people with something they don't want. i feel like if i had really fit into afc, i would have made staff, and i didn't and that still kind of hurts a little bit when i'm really being honest with myself. all of the other girls i know in maggies that were in afc got to have that experience, and it makes me feel like i don't fit in with them already. people get frustrated with the alcohol policies, understandably, but i wish they would realize how much i would rather be in their shoes than mine; i would much rather have the priviledge of being a part of such an organization and live with those rules in place in my life than be sitting here, still wishing i could have gotten in 3 months later. i hope that someday i can impact people the way i wanted to impact the afc freshmen, but i feel like that may never be an oppurtunity i am blessed with.

i'm whining. i need to go hang out with people so i stop sulking and thinking of nothing but myself.

i know i said i'd write more about camp, but at present, i don't feel like i can. i'm distraught and i'm sorry.


i loved fish camp. i was really nervous about how everything was going to go and how well i'd fit in, but God definitely took care of it. i don't even know where to begin, i just got chills though. i love texas a&m, my freshmen, and my fellow counselors. just sayin' - it was wonderful.

more later, i have to get up and be prepared for work tomorrow.